@sweetmomissa

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

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@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@mommajessiec

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

@toomanytoes

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

@prufrockluvsong

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

@dafloydsta

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

@jp_mcdade

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?