My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith