@sweetmomissa

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

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@Lola_Areola

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

@joeljeffrey

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

@Aamir_Tweetz

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

@weathrgirlmarge

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@slimmy_shady

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

@noimnotjewish

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

@Tbone7219

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.