Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
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Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Him-Are you seeing anyone?
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.