My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.