My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Before & after 😅
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume