My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!