My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.