My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.