My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The Assassin.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.