My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
🤣😂🤣
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again