My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
それは草
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.