My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Just parrot things