My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You Might Also Like
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’