My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.