My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.