My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
181.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
when you don’t want to be too vague
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.