My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Something Saturday.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]