My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
me opening up to someone
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.