My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”