My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?