My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat