My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.