My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island