My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.