My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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me hooking up with my ex
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.