My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.