My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.