My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
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“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?