My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
And bowling should be called pinball
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.