My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
You Might Also Like
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends