My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”