My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My first child will be named New Folder.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Who knew!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
ok like just. call me at this point
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.