@meganamram When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
@urmumsausername My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
You Might Also Like
@meganamram 
@rockymomax [dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
@sacca Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
@Tbone7219 If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
@BarryVonAwesome Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
@GingerHotDish What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
@fro_vo Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
@iwearaonesie me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
@thoughtfulbae THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
@qikipedia In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.