@urmumsausername

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

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@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@rockymomax

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

@sacca

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

@Tbone7219

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@GingerHotDish

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

@fro_vo

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

@iwearaonesie

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

@qikipedia

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.