My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social