My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Can’t stop laughing
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.