My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I just ran a .003048K
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?