My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.