My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming