My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Writing, She Murdered.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Investing in beetcoin
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.