@sara_ashlynn

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

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@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@bingowings14

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

@clichedout

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@squirrel74wkgn

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

@beefman138

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*