My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam