My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.