My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.


Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god


The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.


SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot


Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.


Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’


football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this


9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?


Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.


If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads