My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York