My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.