My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My Sentiments Exactly
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila