my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.