My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
never ask a starfish for directions
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
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