My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring