@Caissie

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

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@writingiswar

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

@Browtweaten

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

@jakery

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

@LindaInDisguise

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

@closetoclassy

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

@lincnotfound

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

@MarfSalvador

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring