My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”