Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Blew out my flip flop…

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.