My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
kids play hide and seek like
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Things that won’t save you:
Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Funny women are smart. Be careful.