Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here