My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
You Might Also Like
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
so, is there a mister shapen head
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM