My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92