My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I think we should hear other voices.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?