My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
You Might Also Like
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that