My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Muppet Screams
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication